Spousal infractions

My husband has been doing this for years and I think its just the most bizarre thing. He does not like soap after its been used a couple times. As you can see clearly on the left we have several pieces of perfectly good soap; oh no he can't use those; he has to open a NEW one. Now in a good marriage I think you have to come to accept your spouse's flaws and oddities. I don't ever put the toilet paper back on the dispenser. Dan leaves his shoes out every night and every morning I put them away. With all the celebrity break ups its a wonder someone doesn't annouce; "the breakup was amicable but I could just not Fuc&?ing stand the way he leaves his clipped toenails on the floor for one more day".  Sometimes it seems that these are reasons why these idiot celebrities are getting divorced. My favorite excuse is distance: "they had grown apart because their schedules had them spending time apart". Here's a novel thought: Why don't they try spending some time together? Truth be told I have a cleaning lady and I don't really care about this soap fetish even though it clearly affects the presence of the evildoer SOAPSCUM.  What does your significant other do that you find strange? This could get interesting.....

Menu planner

Between going on a diet and prepping for the holidays i have 90 lists around the house; all with similar things on them, some on stickeys some in office, pocketbook, and on the floor of my car. I go through cookbooks, write down all these random ingredients and then sit in front of the fridge listlessly every night at 6 thinking "WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO MAKE FOR DINNER?", or "WHY DID I BUY COCONUT MILK AGAIN?". I'm one of those people who buys all kinds of food with the best intentions of making something then I forget what it was and end up throwing food away. When I get mad at myself for this I start to google the random food I have to see how to make it edible. Typical google would be "chipotle chilis in adobe sauce+casserole+easy+kid+cilantro. A little bit like Chopped only I have no friggen idea what I am doing in the kitchen and would just as soon eat peanut butter toast anyway. IN ANY CASE, I need a better way to plan out the week; so I created my own menu plan/grocery shopping list. I am attaching for your organizing pleasure. i am confident that this will solve all my problems :)

http://www.scribd.com/full/45235949?access_key=key-1elev2935q26bc9yx6b9


       

HOT.....NOT HOT

 

Yes I am THAT boring

My laundry doesn't smell like laundry should; meaning that it doesn't smell the clean laundry scented yankee candle fragrance. Therefore I have decided that I should wash the washing machine. I was going to just buy a new one but that seems extreme. Is my life really this boring? YES IT IS. I just love google.  Here's what I to do. Because admit it, you are now jealous and want that clean laundry smell back too.  Here's how you do it.

Step 1 - With your machine empty, run it full of hot water to the largest load setting. When the tub is full and begins to agitate, add 3 to 4 cups of distilled white vinegar to the water. Then add ½ cup of baking soda. Allow the machine to agitate for a few moments, then turn off the machine. Let the water sit for one hour.

Step 2 - restart the machine and complete the wash cycle.

Mmm think I'll go color code my socks now

$100 bill saga part 2

For those of you who read my post about my daughter and her mysterious acquisition of a $100 bill, it gets better. She asked me to buy her something this morning and I told her I didn't have any money. She said "yes you do, you have the change from the $100 bill I gave you the other day". What a little shit! 

Teacher Inferiority complex

Does anyone else get intimidated by their kids’ teachers?  Anything I do related to school makes me nervous; did I help them complete their homework correctly? Do they have everything they are supposed to have in their backpack? Are they well behaved?  The teachers seem so together; so calm. They have songs to get kids’ attention, they are patient and they make everything fun. And I’m sure they are much better parents too because they are educated in the mysterious creatures. I am constantly nervous I will be discovered as a bad parent.  I don’t know shit about photosynthesis but I am reasonably educated and I have no valid basis to feel this way.  I’m not shy person; in fact I’m usually the one telling the 500 pound Sumo wrestler who tries to cut me in line to take a hike; but when my kids teachers say something the slightest bit negative I am filled with self doubt, “I should have known that the book order must be paid for in pesos; I obviously didn’t read directions!”I

When I was little we were lucky we were sent to school with clothes on never mind with our completed homework assignments, media center books, book orders and donated-box-of-Kleenex-because-the school-doesn’t-buy-them bag.

Matthew had his 3^rd grade teacher parent conference a couple weeks ago. I had it on my calendar for 3:15 and I also saw in the flyer that they provide child watch. Now given my anal retentive need to organize everything and throw unneeded stuff away (see previous post) I wrote all this down in my calendar and promptly threw the flyer away.  My counter is still not clean but at least one piece of paper was efficiently dealt with! READ! NOTED! DONE! NEXT!  I arrive at Matthew’s conference and there is no child watch (ended at 3, see flyer). Offense #321 of the year, I have to bring my child with me to the teacher conference which is expressly prohibited per flyer.  I press on determined to obtain critical information essential to the future of my child. When I get to the classroom the teacher tells me I am late for my conference; it was at 3 not 3:15. I feel as if someone has just told me that I have flunked parenthood. She gives me a new time and I frantically text my husband berating myself for my stupidity. I apologize profusely during the conference. She tells me plenty of good things but when she talks about the improvement areas I am hopelessly hanging on her every word and apologizing for my child. I even volunteer at the school so I don’t feel guilty about wasting her time to talk to me and give me updates.   I guess it’s a good thing that my kids’ teachers impress me but I wonder how much worse it will get when the kids are older. Am I going to have to go back to school for trigonometry so I can help the kids with their homework? Should I transfer schools so I can start over with no list of violations?

Towel animals

I don't know why but i love these things but i do. Every time I see one I kill myself laughing. These are my friend Noelle's pictures and don't think I haven't furiously scanned my pictures looking for my own because i have. All I need is a few drinks to make me hysterical over these things.  

Cute little bunny from my friend Paula

Oh hello there fella

Read this before you have kids

This is one of those days you should read about before you get a dog or have kids. For many of you it will too late. It reminds me of that email that says :"If you want to have kids, carry a 20 pound bag around the house at 3 am for 3 hours then try getting up for work".

My day started at 3 am with the dog crying in pain and looking at me trying to tell me something I couldn't understand. I tried to get him down the stairs to go outside but he just looked at me; unable to move he was in so much pain. I was up for 3 hours trying to get him to either lay down or come downstairs. I finally gave him a doggie pain killer and he went to sleep. I fear this is the beginning of the end for my 12 year old baby and it breaks my heart. I am probably being dramatic...

Just as I was planning on calling the vet I get a call that Matthew has been suspended from school for the day for telling his friend he "would kill her". They take these things very seriously now and he was sent to the principal's office. When I went to pick him up he was so upset; hyperventilating and apologizing. I feel like a psycho because I went in there ready to beat him to a pulp and when I saw him it broke my heart; I wanted to yell at the school for being too strict. BUT if I were the parent of the other kid I would want them to enforce consequencces and ultimately I am glad they are teaching him a lesson. I never knew it would be this hard. Part of me says he's just a kid and part of me says holy crap is this how all the delinquents get their start? I know he has a good heart so I will err on his side and hope they don't call me as a witness at his trial in 5 years and use this blog as evidence of my leniency.

As if it could get worse I get an email from Megan's teacher saying she tried to pay for her $2.75 lunch with a $100 bill. Where does a 6 year old get a hundred dollar bill you ask? I have no fucking idea. I can assure you that I haven't seen a hundred bill in quite some time and as far as I know she has no job. Its a mystery. I am sure they are laughing at the school right now at our expense "ya what's going on with the Scearbos, they must be crack dealers sending their kids to school with $100 bills and their son acting like a Sopranos character".

And to think i was going to stay away from wine tonight.

things to organize the things

I spent $100 at Target yesterday buying things to organize my things (presumably to make room for buying more things). It occurs to me that perhaps I should just have less things but in my defense this was the pantry and there were kids snacks in there that expired in 2009. (By the way I am a religous follower of expiration dates - I throw anything away that's even approaching it - my husband has a thing of blue cheese in the fridge that i think has been there for a while and I want to throw it away but it has no expiration date and he says its fine. It is cheese thats been purposely molded so I guess I shouldn't worry about it but that's why I don't like it in the first place). ANYWAY as i buy these organizer things I can't help but picture myself selling them at a yard sale later. The cycle of buying things and getting rid of things seems endless. This makes me wonder what life is about. Nevermind .......who cares I have organizing to do. Organizing is one of those compulsive disorders that I have which I think should have been turned into a job. I go to people's houses and mentally start organizing things. You may think I am paying attention when I talk to you but I am usually mentally waxing your eyebrows or deciding how to best organize your canned goods. When I go to my friend Linda's house I immediately start clearing off her counters and organizing her pantry. I start throwing away her infant tylenol that expired 3 years ago - not to mention that she doesn't have an infant. When my kids outgrow something its in the bag to give to my sisters immediately. I secretely love trash day, I can't wait to get rid of all the stuff. I once threw away my old boyfrien's pot. Im my defense how was I supposed to know that a ball of aluminum foil on the kitchen table was valuable contraband? People should label their illegal items. Anyway my pantry is organized for the moment. Even the kids are impressed. We'll see how long THIS lasts.

Boogers

I must say I still don't really understand this blogging thing; why should I blog, what should I say? Who cares? Should I use this blog for good or for evil? As I think about it, let me stimulate your mind with this: BOOGERS. I am up at 5:00 am for no apparent reason except that my husband is congested and snoring and I had to blow my nose. Which led me to think: where do boogers come from? Do boogers have a purpose? First of all, I don't agree with the spelling of the word. Lets face it they should be called "boogas". In any case, I digress.  Wikipedia says a booger is:
Dried nasal mucus, pieces of which are colloquially known as bogeys^[1] in English and boogers^[2] in American English, is commonly found in the nose and is a result of drying of the normally viscous colloidal mucus (or snot).^{[3]
The next thing they talk about is eating boogers and whether its good for you. This is a little like eating gum; your mother tells you not to do it but sometimes you do. One time my friend Linda and I caught a guy picking his nose and eating it while driving and he saw us laughing at him. He pretended to flick the booger at us and we laughed so hard.... talk about remembering something stupid, that was over 20 years ago.    So back to my point about education and to the most important point of all now that I am reading this fascinating article; 
DO BOOGERS HAVE CALORIES? My research says no. Which makes me wonder what my point is in posting this; now that I have looked this up I can't remember what I wanted to know (this is so typical of me and SLIGHTLY helps explain why I am up at 5:00 am for no reason). Oh right; I was wondering why I have boogers. I was feeling sick a couple days ago and the cold I thought would slam me hasn't come yet.  Maybe I have cured it by constantly blowing my nose and getting the evil boogers out. Good for me, I'm so smart. Anyway, you can pick your nose and eat it now and know that you don't have to work it off on the treadmill.}  

Maybe I should lose my Mass attitude?

Yesterday I went to lunch and the lunch place is right next to petco so i went in to get Sam some cookies and he goes friggen berserk when we go there; running around like a loony bin excited. I got discombobulated and my phone fell out of my pocket. Now i lose my phone like 90 times a day (I hope Dan doesn't read this) but I didn't realize it, I go do my business come back to the car and realize my phone is missing. In the meantime this dude in a van pulls up and tells me to park my car straight (I never park straight; I have more important things to worry about like playing scrabble on my iphone with strangers while driving). In any case he asks me to park straight and I say like a typical Boston driver : "What do you care?". He says "I want to park there". In my defense, I was within the lines just not straight. Anywho, I park straight and continue looking for my phone. I decide to call it thinking it dropped in my car. A guy answers the phone. I say "oh I must have the wrong number". He says "did you just lose your phone?". I look over and its the guy from the van on my phone. He gets out of his car and gives me the phone and says "I know how it feels I lose my phone all the time, happy thanksgiving" and gives me my phone back. How much of an asshole am I?

New airport security measures run into turbulence - The Boston Globe

New airport security measures run into turbulence - The Boston Globe

I don't really understand all the noise over this. First of all, if you're going to get into a giant metal tube going thousands of miles an hour with people who haven't been searched then you're probably one step shy of crazy. But freedom of speech and all that notwithstanding, doesn't everyone appreciate a good grope every now and again? I know I do. Well now that i Think of it most of the gropes I have received at airports are from less than desirable gropers but someday i will be the lucky gropee of a young hot security guard just getting his start at Logan security. Yes I travel enough that it might happen.

Stingey

I asked my son who I gave life to for some fries and this is what I got!!

Mistaken identity

Hmm I wasn't even drinking but at the time I thought this was diego and dora. I was corrected by Ava who told me they are Baby Einstein People. I was going to tell them their costumes sucked. Good thing I didn't. I do vaguely remember asking the girl about her Fiesta de Quincanera.

Behold my new boots.

I somehow found the time to search for them while holding Megan's hair back as she threw up and as i was trying to recover my beloved lost computer files which were ironically deleted in the process of a backup. I don't understand how people have time to shop.

Name that superhero

I don't know who this superhero is but I sure do like his color scheme and those tights are super cool.

The ugly stepsisters are not mean

One of the highlights of Disney was seeing the ugly stepsisters. When Maddy first saw them she was afraid of them and told them they were mean! One of the sisters said "If I were you I'd be more afraid of a 6ft MOUSE. She had a point.