Hypnotize me

I went to hypnosis the other day. Lest you think I'm getting all crazy - I had a groupon. There are lots of reasons people do this I guess, quitting smoking, quitting junk food, past life regression therapy, etc. My stated goal was to calm the fuck down. I want to learn to deal more productively with anxiety. You know, when your on a conference call and your already ticked off because its well past 5, the dishwasher is buzzing, you're trying to figure out what to make for dinner, the dog just shit all over the house, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and you want to shoot yourself in the head. Is this normal? These are the times I  guess everyone is stressed but there are also lesser events that make me feel the same way. I am never happy with the tradeoffs I make; I choose a high pressure job but I am tortured by the constant mess my house is. I choose to be lazy and stay on pinterest all night yet I'm pissed I didn't do something more productive. I choose not to volunteer at school anymore because I always run into a stepford wife that has dressed for the occasion with matching earrings and sandals and I haven't even taken a shower. Outwardly these things don't bother me but inside there's constant chatter about it.  The bottom line? I want to be everything and I want to be perfect. Make my own bread? YES. Serve condiments in their original containers are a dinner party? NEVER. I think you get the idea.     

First thing we did was to breathe; deep breathes in with positive thoughts...deep breathe out with all the crap in your head; like puking negative thoughts. It did relax me. Then I sat back in a chair and he started talking to me in a very soothing voice about being on top of a mountain with a cool breeze in my hair and he kept counting down to say every level I would let my mind wander and think of nothing. Half the time I thought I would die of laughter but I was really trying to be serious..to push back the constant noise in my head; (this is hysterical! I have to go to the dry cleaner! If this guy doesn't stop talking soon I'm going to be late to pick up the kids! Shit I forgot to go to CVS!). But it WAS very relaxing and once I felt on the verge of falling asleep he asked me questions like WHY do I feel anxious all the time. See the problem with therapy and all this stuff is that I know what my problems are; I am a perfectionist: if I don't go running when I'm supposed to I feel bad and I say bad things to myself; you are lazy, you have no will power.  I have a short fuse; little things aggravate me - mainly stupid people.   Why go to therapy? I'm not going to change the fact that I felt like the mother growing up and my father died and then mother died and I never felt like I belonged. Why talk about it? I know I'm a good person, a good mother, funnier than most, not as fat or wrinkly for my age as most. Doesn't change the fact that I am a perfectionist who drinks too much, works too much, sucks at baking, has the patience level of a gnat and I occasionally smokes (ok sometimes more than occasionally).

In any case, he asked me some of the root of all this while I was "under" (and I do remember answering, not sure if that means it didn't work). I did feel relaxed when he brought me back from the half asleep state I was in. He gave me a meditation cd, told me i had a lot of work to do and sent me on my way.  Ca-ching! I don't know if I'll go back. I am going to try the meditation cd and i am going to try the breathing techniques. It was really good for a day but then yesterday I had a horrific day at work; no one listening, having to repeat myself over and over, I let a detail slip that caused problems, etc etc.  But today's another day! Wish me luck :)