My tendency toward over-thinking is well known: there is NOTHING
I can’t obsess about. To me it’s not worth doing if I can’t obsess about it –
and if I’m not busy obsessing about it good luck getting a nanosecond of my
attention. It’s on or it’s off. If I were
over-thinking about wordly matters like inflation or why Roger Waters is
fighting with Israeli government that would be one thing but I am obsessing
about only things that relate to my favorite subject – ME or ALL THINGS RELATED
TO ME. Even before I actually run I obsess over it. The weather, when to go, what
if it’s raining, what if I’m in a bad mood or don’t feel good? Not only do I need 2 plus hours to run but I
need several hours to mentally prepare and several hours to decompress.
When I set off to run I go through so many emotions. I start
out thinking wow I can’t believe I have to run 13, 14 or x number of miles; I
feel so overwhelmed and nervous I can hardly get myself out the door -
obsessing about whether my shoes are tied right, do I have the stuff I
need: water every 4 miles, too many
clothes/ not enough clothes, too warm, too cold. What if I have to pee? (An inordinate amount of time is spent
obsessing about whether I will have to do #2 while running but this could be
its own post so I am moving on). The first mile I feel nervous – every ache and
pain magnified. I feel overwhelmed with self-doubt –I don’t think I can finish,
I’ll just run 2 more miles and be done with it. Every step feels like a
mile. Why I am I doing this? Everything
hurts. The second mile I calm down; I focus on the fact that I am making a dent
– I am 10% there, 8% there. Never do I
give math such careful consideration. Sometimes
every once in a while I decide to just be; I think about everyday problems that
I avoid due to my ADD; miles go by as I concentrate on an issue. It’s a struggle for me to keep negative
thoughts away. It’s almost helpful to
have a big problem to think about, lest I succumb to boredom and start complaining
to myself about a billion things I observe (who are the fuckwads who drink nips
and throw them out the window? When is the town going to fix this fucking road?
Really, is Jesus the reason for the season, you don’t say! Why do people beep
at runners? Why won’t those people take down their Christmas tree it’s fucking January
12th). Sometimes I forget what mile I am on and I just put one foot in front of
the other. Sometimes I have to dig deep
and think about people who go through much bigger challenges than running
another stupid mile. A friend with cancer working through chemo, a mother with
a sick child; the pain my stepfather endured with colon cancer – anything to
give me strength. Somewhere after 8 or so miles I see the light at the end of
the tunnel – I have to keep going because it feels like a waste of an hour plus
if I don’t. Once I get within 2 miles I keep going because I am so close.
Lately it’s been helping me to publicly claim what my goal
is – on Facebook or wherever. Once I say I will do something to someone other
than myself I am much more likely to do it. I don’t know what this says about
me that disappointing myself is ok but having to answer a random person who
asks if I did it is way too much shame for me.
I really try not to do this but I often find myself
wondering if running a marathon is this complicated for other people.
Am I the only crazy person who is on such a roller coaster? It makes me feel like a looney bin. I picture other people bouncing along on their
runs with nothing whatsoever on their minds. This is not the only time I do
this comparison thing and it’s a really bad habit to have; comparing yourself
to everyone’s highlight reel. In so many
ways these ups and downs with running are a microcosm of my life. I have days or hours where every thought gets
derailed by a fear, nothing is easy and negative self-talk make it harder.
Other moments I feel like I have the world by the balls and want to freeze time
and think of nothing but being alive and appreciating what I have, grateful for
every little thing. I go through all this in one run and the beauty is that I
celebrate and overcome a million little things all right away in that short
time period and in the process I build up a respect for myself I never knew I had.
In the end you can do anything you want if you want it bad enough and running
has taught me that. But like most things
for me, it comes with a lot of overthinking.
There are times I have set goals and failed; mostly because
I fall off the wagon and bully myself about it which only makes it less likely
to climb back on the horse and try again. But this has taught me that I can
overcome setbacks, small and large and that I have a mental toughness I never
knew existed. Actually I don’t think it
did exist until this. I’ve certainly overcome my share of heartache but usually
not without massive self-medication of some kind and a lot of time. That’s not
mental toughness that’s survival. I have
good minutes and bad minutes running; and I persevere – mostly because I’ve
learned that despite all the bullying I may do along the way, I mostly try to
tell myself I can do it and I do. And knowing that I have done it before gives
me confidence.
I was never a goal oriented person. This sounds funny since
I was always hell bent on going to college/grad school/ getting a house, etc.
These were necessary things that I never had in life that led to security. This
may seem like semantics. The truth is I never considered that I could get by
WITHOUT going to college or buying a house; these where the basics for me –
struggles in childhood that I couldn’t deal with for myself. And in having these “goals” they were never
very specific. I would get to these things as I could and as opportunities came
to me. I wasn’t sitting here every day saying have I reached my goals? And I didn’t
even necessarily give myself credit for any of them since they were expectations
I had and I never considered not having them.
In setting the marathon as a goal I never realized how
specific and unforgiving it would be. If you need to run 26 miles in April you
have to build up one mile at a time - the training takes 20 weeks for people
who have basic running skills. It’s pretty black and white. People say wow
you’re so dedicated to run 14 miles this weekend. It’s true I guess but it
doesn’t feel that way – once you agree to do it and people start donating money
you feel a sense of desperation; every week is a scramble to figure out when
you can find 2 plus hours to run amidst kid activities and obligations. I don’t dare skip a week for fear I will skip
another week and then convince myself that I can’t do it.
I still have a lot of training left to go but I continue to
learn more and more about myself with all this time without anything to
distract me. This is a benefit I never
expected from training but I am enjoying the process (mostly).
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